Diary Entry

I needed the damn thing so badly that it didnt strike me even once that my desire had so outgrown itself to become an obsession that I had ceased to call a spade a spade anymore. The notion that it was the best thing to do had engulfed me in its wake and I failed to grasp the enormity of the situation, the kind of thing that happens when one hovers dangerously over the oft-trodden path of self-doubt and closure.

I guess it was the mind playing tricks all over again..making me believe things that were a mirage always. Deep down in my shit I constantly failed at identifying and nurturing initiatives. Initiatives, the one thing people find so obvious and inadvertent. Priorities are hazy, decisions lie untouched and resolutions finds no takers..classic example of a break-down? Massive deployment of heart rendering self elevating statements that tend to carve out an image we are not? I think not..

In the end it all comes down to you..you who is the at the centre of it all and always will be ..you who sees the world as he sees fit and looks to others as he deems them to be. When the tides swing your way you touch the clouds..when it retreats the myth shatters and the painful realization sinks in that it wasnt you but the tides that were denouncing failure and drowning critics. How often do we blame it all on fate? Once every moment of your life it seems to me…it depends on human nature and the kind of light he sees himself in.

Losers keep track of their failures..winners keep their success close to their chest….

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2 Comments

  1. It often happens. It happens to a lot more people than you would think. You know, I have had an amazing discovery recently. A lot of us in the world are people who are deep thinkers. We examine and re-examine ourselves. We go about our lives hiding, in our chests, the questions that rage, demand resolutions. We look around and its hard to believe that there are others who are consumed by the same things that rattle us so much. But there are! It gladdens my soul when I find someone like that.
    Anyways, I strayed. Its my bane, I suppose. I was commenting that there are a lot of people who decide they want something and spend a lot of emotional energy in the pursuit of that thing for a long time and some fine day suddenly begin wondering what was it in that thing that we were looking for anyway.
    To some this happens after the pursuit has led to an acquisition, to some, it happens during the quest itself. That’s the name of the game. Change. We change. Our priorities change.

    I see the difference between winners and losers in a slightly different light, though I wouldn’t necessarily disagree with you. I think winners are people who refuse to allow failures to consume them. Very cliched I agree. But nevertheless true. Winners are people who make conscious determined attempts each day, inspite of all adversities. Losers are people who like to wallow. And most importantly, real people are never losers or winners. And the epithet is grossly, unjustifiably misused in popular culture. Real people
    are a blend of both.

    There was this fascinating movie I saw recently, ‘Nine Lives’.
    It chronicles the lives of nine women and the various traps they are ensnared in. Its a story of self-inflicted entrapment and though depicted in the lives of women, holds a message for all. The movie made me realize that there are two kinds of people in the world. There are those that never recover from some debilitating affliction ( failed love affair, unsuccessful life or whatever) consciously or not and there are those that are strong and determined enough, to lift themselves.

    I apologize for the obvious want of proper expressiveness. It has been taking a beating. I do hope, however, that I somehow succeeded in getting my point across.

    Another fleeting thought: Masochism comes very easy. Be careful. Most of us fall prey to its charms.

  2. so true..my idea of what winners is they forget their failures pretty easily and tend to move on easily and without any fuss. nws Nine Lives seems to be an interesting movie..would watch it once i get the time.
    Its okay to indulge in self-inflicted wounds sometimes..helps you get a perspective of what you can expect if things did actually turn out that bad…

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