bon vivant

I had a vision today. I saw myself travelling places, visiting people, meeting strangers and sleeping under the mooonlit sky. In this one brilliant flash of imagination I saw myself conquering mountains, sailing in a catamaran, diving deep into the deep blue sea, soaking the warm wintery sun amidst dense vegetation and listening to the various sounds that seemed to emanate from all around.

It was a vivid imagery. I lay naked under the December sun thinking about nothing, worrying about nothing and striving for nothing. It was a complete state of nothingness. Such blissful state of existence now seems far away from what I have seen or what I believe I will see in times to come. I gather as much. They say you exist only for yourself, you live only your life and die your own death. Fleeting ephemeral sensations are best left to fend for themselves or are they? Is it only me or people abound with such desires? Is it only here, in my mind that dissatisfaction stays or is it an oft felt sensation?

Like it or not I stay the same. Books doesnt suffice no more. Imaginations have given up hope and desires have taken the back seat, so much to gain success so much to lose myself. It takes more than one desire to let go, yet it is sufficient in itself to arouse you out of the deep slumber. I have always considered myself as a practical person, ready to lose and invariably faulter at every juncture. I have braced myself for failure at every important cross road. What is it then that makes me sad and sad still?

The untouched desires, the pent up emotions, the unchartered territories, the seamless transgression, the inevitable laughter, the incessant rupture and the approaching darkness all seems distant and prolonged. I am waiting, still.

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